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When I was younger, I was a girl, that girl. I was a nerdy, awkward girl with zero athletic ability. I had braces and a questionable sense of style. I had been homeschooled; I was extremely shy. I thought I had horrendously large ears. I would have awful breakouts sometimes. I never went anywhere on my own. Boys always liked my friends, and I would patiently listen to them tell me how great my friends were, while I repeatedly pushed my glasses up my nose.

I dreamed of being more than that, and one day I decided to make it happen. I was going to be the kind of person I had always envied; I was going to turn dreams into reality.

That was a crucial turning point.

However, I’m sitting here now thinking about my future, and it’s taking me aback. These are big decisions coming up. I’m about to graduate in April. I’ve got to do something—and that something is supposed to be the right thing. What the heck is the right thing?

I’ve made decisions on being more for so long that now I’m not sure if more is what I really want or just what I think I should want. Truthfully, being more and not taking risks that would threaten this persona of more has played a rather large role in my decisions to date.

Do I want to go to Cornell (or any grad school program, really) because they offer a program I really want to be a part of? Or is this simply another quest to prove to myself that I am more?

Do I want to just go get a job because I’m sick of school and want to start making money? Or is it because I’m afraid of the humiliation of applying to grad school and not getting accepted anywhere?

Do I not mind travelling alone because I enjoy the occasional moment of solitude? Or is it simply because I like to pretend that I can do life on my own, that I don’t necessarily need other people to take care of me?

Do I avoid relationships because I like my independence and don’t have time? Or is it because I suck at being vulnerable and can't seem to handle any kind of emotional commitment?

Am I into international development because I want to look outside myself and make the world a slightly better place? Is this just an excuse to see more of the world? Or is this some sick attempt to make me feel better about myself? Dear lord, I hope not.

Do I work out because I love it? Or do I work out because I’m too embarrassed to go back to being that girl (the one with her hands on her knees) who couldn’t even run down her driveway without stopping to pant?

You see?

I want to be authentic, real. I want to own what I’ve done, own what I want to accomplish, own my motivations, own what I can’t do, own what I’ve failed at. Own my life. Authenticity, I want it. It’s too exhausting pretending to be more at everything, especially when everyone can see right through it.

I’m 22. Part of me wants to just post things that show me with my life under control, because I like it that way. But right now, I guess I have to own the fact that I have no earthly clue where I’m headed with my life right now.

I’ll own that this is the experience of a lifetime I’m having in Malawi. I love it.

But truth is, sometimes, Africa is just absolutely exhausting.

Grad school has always been my dream.

Hasn’t it?

I’m into international development.

International development makes me want to scream. Scream.

I want a dog. A Siberian husky. That’s all. And a canoe.

I want to find a great job and move into a nice place, not a college apartment.

Wait, I don’t want to settle down yet.

I want to go to grad school.

Shucks, what if the only job I can find is in Kansas or something?

Is it possible to be a professional vagabond?

I don’t know what I want,

and I don't like it.

I’ve always known what I wanted.

I’m 22. I feel like I should know what I want.

But I don’t, so I’ll own that too.

This is a tree close to where I live. For some reason, I just love it.