timshel

“But the Hebrew word, the word timshel—‘Thou mayest’— that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if ‘Thou mayest’—it is also true that ‘Thou mayest not.'”

-John Steinbeck, East of Eden

Homemade bridges connecting Old Town in Lilongwe.

Choice is a beautiful, beautiful thing. In a way, uncertainty has kind of always been the ugly caterpillar in my life. But over the two months I have been in Africa, it has been morphing into a butterfly (forgive the kitsch).

I am beginning to feel myself embrace the moment of choice that comes with limbo, the “Thou mayest.” The “Thou mayest not.”

It is standing at the edge of a swaying platform with my eyes closed. It is stepping onto a bridge when I cannot see the other end. It is that moment in the air as I flip--that second before I hit the water.

I don’t know anything, and thus, it is in this moment that I must live.

Thou mayest do all things. Thou mayest not.

But, the most beautiful of all things beautiful: In all moments, but especially this moment, thou livest.

It is all one can really be cognizant of at times like these, and I have never been more aware of it, although I feel the countdown beginning to wind down.

For now, I choose to bask in the delicious uncertainty, this blessed permission to enjoy the idea of choice before it flies into the sunset--this brief interlude before the quivering timelessness transforms itself into decision.