part 3: in which we defeat the monsters

It was rather
beautiful: the way he
put her insecurities to
sleep.
The way he dove into
her eyes and starved
all the fears
and tasted all the
dreams she kept
coiled beneath her
bones.
-Christopher Poindexter

For a short period of time, I was so very afraid of losing Mark.

I had been so very careful to not fall in love before. I had never felt the fear of losing someone before, because before, it had never mattered. Now, all of a sudden, I had discovered that it could matter very much indeed.

The next month or so was probably the hardest one of our relationship. I couldn't stop thinking about everything he would have to give up for this relationship to work. There were really only two options at this point. He would have to be willing to turn down numerous wonderful career opportunities in return for the not-so-attractive option of starting all over in a place not particularly advantageous for any ambitious food scientist. Either that, or we would have to eventually break up.

And because I was so afraid that he would choose the latter option, I began to withdraw a bit. It didn't make sense, not when we were both in love with each other. But I guess I thought I needed to steel myself for the possibility of it ending, prepare myself to take it with grace. I was covering up the rawness with guarded affection, replacing vulnerability with slight aloofness.

Relationships can't work that way. You can't move forward while preparing to move backwards at the same time. I'm not stupid. I knew that. But I was pushing Mark away when the last thing I wanted was for him to leave, and I didn't really know how to stop.

He could have left. He didn't.

Instead, he stayed, and he told me over and over why he stayed. Why he wanted to keep staying.

He did it until I believed him and the clouded glass cracked and he saw everything.

And even when he saw everything, he stayed. Every fear, he allayed. Every insecurity, he kissed. He took everything I was and am and made me feel beautiful because of it.

That's why I stay. That's why I know I want to stay for the rest of my life. 

Go to part 4: the question that started forever