before i'm thirty.

Sometimes I try to imagine the kind of person I'd be at thirty. I don't know, really.

But I hope that Bob Marley and the Red Hot Chili Peppers always make me think of summer. I hope that I still hate peanut butter (or my brothers would never let me live that one down). I hope that I still sing and dance to the radio in my car. I hope that I still have this unbearable desire to see and experience the world. I hope that I still love to learn. I hope that I still want a beautiful library full of old books. I hope that I still have a close relationship with my family and friends. I hope that I still dream big. I hope that I don't make too many stupid decisions. I hope even more that I don't make the boring, safe ones all the time either.

I hope I always have the desire to grow into me. That I learn to live life without fear. I've tried for a long time to do that. Then I realized that it's possible to be afraid of being afraid. It's possible to try so hard to become independent that letting yourself be any sort of dependent again is harder than it should be. It's possible to ignore yourself. It's possible to drown good things with good things. It's possible to rationalize anything into something and vice versa.

Turning thirty is nine years away. That's nine years that I'm going to be constantly evolving and changing into someone more.

Nine years is long enough to learn certain things, like remembering to make my bed every morning. To never put my clothes on my chair to put away later. To not always bank on "getting up early" to work if you've procrastinated something. To become one of those highly productive people that you read about in magazines.

Pamela Satran wrote a list of things that a woman should have and should know by the time she's thirty. I'm working on it.

By 30, you should have ...

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you’re content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age -- and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account -- all of which nobody has access to but you.
9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded.
10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it.
13. The belief that you deserve it.
14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better.

By 30, you should know ...

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town.
7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to.
8. Where to go -- be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat -- when your soul needs soothing.
9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over.
11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love.
12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long.
13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.

As I was reading this list, I realized how much I've learned over the past three years of college. I've still got a ways to go before I'm the kind of woman I'd be proud to be at age thirty. But it's all right. I've still got some time.